What do you do if you start crying in a rehearsal?

I couldn’t play my part. The bloody Piano Septet by Camille Saint-Saens, that piano part isn’t even ‘hard’. Why won’t my fingers move?

People have highs and low.
Musicians have highs and lows, usually they last only a few months to a year? How long have I had mine… Uh three years? I’m trying not to top that ‘record’ but it isn’t easy.

It’s particularly revealing when doing chamber music rehearsals because you’re forced to learn a piece in a certain amount of time, not in your own time. You have to learn together, collectively in your ensemble.

So yes I did ‘mentally collapse’ this afternoon and I regret it. This is partly because I feel ridiculous in front of my peers and that I look hideous. Not so much of the latter… Some people are what you call “pretty criers?” – I am the negative of that.

My stepmother started laughing at me once because apparently my mouth looked exactly like a sad emoticons face __ :-C__ I wasn’t offended I just laughed as well.

Pair that with some lovely puffy eyes and you’ll have a “bare next-level babe” before you. (I got the trendy language from a friend who got 100% in her A Level Further Maths exam.)

My mother is always semi-angry at me for crying about not getting something right in my playing. She half-threatened to take me out the school because she didn’t like what it was doing to me.

Anyway, at first it was just because of:

“Why am I so bad?”

Then it was:

“Why are you letting a silly little piece of music do this to you?”

From that, I have always learned to not make a fuss over musical matters. It makes me feel like such a moan when you think of what else you could cry about. All I can convey is my perseverance.

I don’t really know what else to do? I work as much as I can. Maybe I need to get up earlier…


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